Believe me, it is not funny when you start crying in the middle of swim workout.
Normally I do not do it but today was just so bad that I had a complete meltdown during my 50s in pool.
Today was a bad day, everything that I held inside just burst. And I have noone to talk to so when I write it down somewhere I feel better. So I am sorry.
The final decision was made today and I have to return the car. I think that it was pretty bad because my boss sent me an official email telling me to return in so he has it on paper. But he also told me later that he would think about something else.
It is not that car that bothers me it is more like that I have already planned few things that I have been really looking forward to and I can not do them, unless I get another car or think about a different solution. You know that feeling when you look forward something and then suddenly you cannot do it?
I wanted to go to Chicago for example. And to hockey game in Detroit. And Montreal. And now I do not even have means to get to the train station.
I do not have any friends. Sometimes I go days without saying a single word (that's the reason why I ramble so much here...). Almost all weekends are like that because I just have noone to talk to. I met some people this week and they were very nice. One lady invited me to come to have dinner with her and her kids that are of my age, but now I cannot go because I cannot get there. Another guy invited me to come to his house and do bike trainer session with him and his friends. And now I cannot do that neither.
So again, it will be just me alone because I cannot meet with anyone.
(Although I have a bike ride planned with one other girl tomorrow that I still can do but I will have to bike for almost an hour just to get to out meeting place:()
And I wanted to get that ITB massage and now I cannot because I cannot get there because it is in a different town.
The ITB has been bothering me. It felt great on Wednesday and the something happened and it is all bad again. I do not want it to hurt anymore! And I do not know what to do about it.
And the payroll problem did not get sorted out and I do not have enough money here to pay for my rent.
And I am stressed about the thesis. It is horrible, I do not want to do it, it is a waste of time. I am at a business school! Why do I have to do research?
And I have sent at least 50 job applications and nobody wants me.
I know that I will figure out everything, but I just want someone to share my thoughts and problems with. (And what's better that doing it on internet, don't you think?)
The one positive thing today is that I had surprisingly good swim workout. This workout also added to my overall stress because I knew that it was going to be hard to hit my paces and I was somehow fearing it the whole week.
But I hit all my hard paces and I am thrilled about it. It will be always a mystery to me how I was able to swim 200s <3:05 while tears pouring into my goggles. I do not know whether I did 8 or 9 50s because I was not concentrating at all and lost my count. But then I did some very hard 100s (4x100 <1:30 @ 1:45) and although I do not know how the first and second one went by because my mind was wandering all over the place, I knew I needed to start to concentrate on the 3rd and 4th to hit the pace. And I did!!!
I talked to the lifeguard today, he asked me what I was training for and such and he is very nice, he already knows me because I go there pretty often. Although he probably thinks that I am half deaf since he always says something and I do not know that he is talking to me and then I always ask him to repeat what he is saying...
Hurting in a different way
5 days ago