A person is usually considered bad if she is jealous. And I am incredible jealous of most of you. Two years ago I was at the same level as many people I know. And now they are all way ahead of me. And I do not like it!
Do not get me completely wrong, I am happy for those people, they deserve it because they have been working hard to get better and I do not wish anything bad to them. I just want to be right there with them! It is very demotivating seeing people who used to be similarly fast as me killing it and getting much faster than me.
Well, I am not really jealous of you people, it is more like that I am jealous that you can train properly and I cannot.
For example take Ana-Maria. She is quite awesome! He just run ca. 18min 5k. But she was not that fast 2 years ago. And now she is and I am not. She totally deserves it because she was working hard for it. But I also want to be able to work hard for it!
Or PPC. She is as fast 6 weeks post-partum as I was 2 years ago; and she is getting faster:) Grrr. I want to be getting faster.
SLG ran a 3:24 marathon a few months ago probably in the middle of some crazy 100+ miles week as a training run. Dang. Her PR used to me slower than mine. I want a new PR (and preferably faster than hers. Nothing better than a friendly competition, right?:))!
There are countless people in blogosphere who used to be 3:30 marathon runners and now they are shooting for sub 3:20. I too want to shoot for sub 3:20!
People all around me are getting faster (than I am) and I do not like it!
The worst thing about all this is that I cannot do anything about it! I want to become a faster runner and I know that I have it in me, but I cannot.
I cannot even imagine how “real” runners, professional folks making this for living, must feel when they get injured. It must be unbearable.
I told my mom today that I was going to see an orthopedist this afternoon but not because my knee hurts but more like a prevention. And she told me that my knee did not hurt because I do not run. And it hit me! I do around 2h of running each week now. Of course the knee does not hurt! It is so simple! And stupid me though that it did not hurt because it is healed. Now I think that as soon as I start running normally it will flare up again, and I feel bad because PPC is spending her scarce free time preparing a running plan for me right now. But I am not going to tell her to stop working on it, I am going to give it a try. Because evethough I am hugely pessimistic right now, I am of course going to give it a try.
So I am jealous of everyone and pissed at everything and for the past 2 months I have been starting every single run with only one thought on my mind – is this the day? Will my knee flare up again? Please, no, no, no.